Space absolution

Chapter 1

The radio alarm clock is blaring a speech of some motivational coach in the morning:

“Who are you?! Are you a man of love? Man of faith? Man of family, perhaps? A warrior, a leader, a servant? Are you a man of moral principle?! Are you a pillar of bravery, or a support in crisis!? Are you a man of values?! The prodigal son, man of intellect?! What do you believe in?! Just who you are? Can you even answer that?! Do you well and truly think that times are kind to undecisive men?! Have you lost your marbles, or are you afraid?! Are you scared to get angry at yourself!? What do you think would happen!? Are you a man at all, or an imitation, a mere puppet, just a prop on the stage of life? You cannot run from yourself and your shadows. No matter how tender, how exquisite, a lie will always remain a lie!!”

I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling for a moment before I turned off the alarm. My fiance has already left the bed some time ago, I presume. For a moment, everything was okay. Then reality set in and I once again felt sick to my stomach.

I barely made it to the toilet bowl before I started vomiting.

This happens almost every morning. It is not the food I eat, or the beverages I drink. There is something that makes me sick to my stomach. Like I swallowed a mossy stone that I cannot digest and can only feel its weight, and every once in a while, my body remembers the filth it is covered in and thinks it should try to get rid of the foreign object.

A familiar voice calls out to me from the kitchen:

“Are you okay in there? Do you want anything for breakfast?”

That reassures me.

“Yeah, gimme a minute, I’m coming.”

Despite these morning rituals, I have not lost my appetite. My body does not feel week or particularly sick either. I do not think the problem is in my body.

It made to me no difference to think about disgusting topics such as vomit or other physiological issues while eating. I am not the type of woman to be easily disturbed. In my profession, unsurmountable obstacles must be overcome, no task can be too disgusting, no stress can be too paralyzing, when the lives of me and my crewmates may hang on a thread, ever so eager to snap at the first minute mistake.

That is the life of an astronaut. Or was - I will maybe never return to service again.

ISS Orpheus, an actual spaceship like the ones we grew up seeing in Star Trek, Stargate, Star Wars or Battlestar Galactica. The real deal, not a tincan that can only barely resist the elements and might explode if there is a single screw amiss. Designed to stay in orbit and sustain crew on long missions in the Solar system and further beyond. Unfortunately we do not have many of those fancy technologies we would see in those TV shows. We cannot teleport, or travel many many times the speed of light. Our warp engines, if I may call it that, as I am not very familiar with the technology myself, are only a couple times faster than the speed of light. So what would take years instead takes months, but it still takes a long time.

In the 21st century, we have gradually improved our ability to look into the far reaches of space. Bigger, stronger telescopes, AI for enhancement, more and bigger dishes for detecting radio signals, new techniques and mathematical models for deducing remote stellar and planetar bodies, along with the wide range of other space objects that are of interest.

When I was just a small girl, I was encouraged by my family to try my hand at arts and crafts, as a lot of kids are, I guess. Of course, I wasn’t any good at it - quite terrible, as a matter of fact - and so what mostly ended on my canvas was a messy jumble of colors, far removed from any earthly object. After I was subjected to a couple helpful documentaries on the TV and the internet, I had found the perfect excuse. It was not, in fact, a jumbled mess of colors, but rather, a nebula. It was the ephemeral nebulas that first and foremost captivated me. What beauty. So beautiful from afar, but so sparse that if you stood in it, you wouldn’t know - you would need to make a planet-sized sphere to cover the same amount of nebula atoms as the atoms that make your body. It was then that I knew which way I want to shape my career. I guess that unlike most children who have spacefaring dreams, I was lucky to have the correct constitution for it.

For how far we have been looking with our new telescopes, there was still one mystery proverbially right at our doorstep. The Oort cloud. Solar system’s cold and cushy blanket. Located beyond the planets and the Kuiper belt beyond it, far far larger than the rest of the Solar System combined.

In the grand scheme of things, the Oort cloud is practically right in front of our faces, but that still does not discount how massive it is. It is filled with gases, rocks, future and current comets - billions, maybe - and, what we didn’t know, is that we will find a planet there. One that would be just big enough to be interesting for a visit.

That was the mission of ISS Orpheus, and its crew, me including. We had a hearty crew:

The military ranks are a bit of a mess, as the command chain was decided differently for the mission. Based on experience, merit, and a barrage of psychological tests to let the smart behavioral scientists decide, which combination is statistically the most likely to be capable of turning the mission into a success. Can you spot me on the list?

Theories of a hypothetical Planet Nine were particularly popular at the beginning of the 21st century. They made up all sorts of fancy names - Planet X, Nemesis, Nyx, Lethe and many others. Then, they discovered that what they thought was Planet Nine was merely a mathematical error, a mistaken observation, and so the interest fell.

That was until we started to be able to see into the Oort cloud, and started finding larger bodies than expected. We managed to confirm a theory that has existed for almost a century at this point. In the early days of the Solar system, there were many many planets forming around what would become today’s Sun. While we only have a couple planets in close orbit nowadays - few enough that every child can learn to recite the planets’ names from memory - there used to be dozens if not hundreds in the beginning. When Sun reached critical mass and density and fusion started, there was a blast from the ignition which blew away most of the planets, leaving only a handful. The planets that were blown away were mostly condemned to the same fate - to become rogue planets and wander the empty depths of the cosmos cold and alone until they would be either captured by another star system or meet a violent end.

But if the conditions were just right enough, the planets and material that was blown away could find its way back into a stable orbit around the Sun, only much farther away. The planet we found like this was likely one such planet. It was likely originally much closer to us, but then got blown away and over the course of hundreds of thousands if not millions of years it found a stable orbit in the Oort cloud.

Leadership at the space agency has decided to name the planet Eurydice, which is as symbolic as could be when it was supposed to be visited by the ISS Orpheus. Then again, the ancient greeks have held us hostage with their culture for over two thousands of years at this point, so why should we even be surprised?

Our mission was simple: Take ISS Orpheus to Eurydice, collect scans, samples, visit the surface, and then take sealed samples back to Earth. Then analyze the samples while in orbit around Earth and if everything is okay, take our findings to the surface.

Nothing was okay.

Chapter 2

[Opening Sequence: Morning News Broadcast]

Anchor: Good morning, viewers. I’m Larry Mitchell with NTV Channel 1, and welcome to your daily morning news. We begin today with a somber update on the recent space mission tragedy. Nineteen days ago, the highly anticipated starship ISS Orpheus encountered a catastrophic failure, resulting in the loss of the entire crew, except for one miraculous survivor. As the investigation into the incident continues, authorities and the scientific community are left grappling with unanswered questions.

[Cut to Footage of ISS Orpheus]

Anchor: The ill-fated mission of ISS Orpheus, which was intended to explore new frontiers in space, took a devastating turn when an unknown incident occurred aboard the spacecraft. Despite the best efforts of ground control teams, the crew was unable to regain control of the vessel.

[Cut to Newsroom]

Anchor: Astrid Olsen, the sole crew member who managed to evacuate, has been returned home safely but will play a key part in the ongoing investigation. As for the rest for the crew, our thoughts and prayers go out to their families and all others affected by this tragic event.

[Cut to Images of Scientists and Investigators at Work]

Anchor: In the wake of this disaster, investigations are ongoing to determine the timeline of the incident and the sequence of events that led to the devastating outcome. The scientific community, space agencies, and industry experts are working together to piece together the puzzle, despite the difficulty caused by ISS Orpheus being stranded defunct in orbit.

[Cut to Interview Announcement]

Anchor: Later today, we will be joined in the studio by one of the leading biologists involved in the investigation. We’ll delve into the latest developments and findings in the ongoing investigation of the ISS Orpheus incident. This is an opportunity for all of us to better understand the complexities of space missions and to gain insight into the measures being taken to safeguard future voyages. We will hopefully answer the question: Can we ever feel safe in space?

[Cut to Call-to-Action]

Anchor: Don’t miss this afternoon’s interview as we strive to bring you the most up-to-date information on the ISS Orpheus mission failure. Make sure to tune in at 2 PM for the exclusive conversation with our esteemed guest, doctor Rainer Gestalt. As we await further news, let us come together as a community to support those affected.

[Closing]

Anchor: That’s all for now. Thank you for joining us this morning. Remember to stay informed and stay safe. We’ll see you later today for the in-depth interview on the ISS Orpheus investigation. Until then, have a great morning. Goodbye.

[End of Broadcast]

Chapter 3

I woke up early today. It is 5:30 AM and the alarm is set for 9AM. I just opened my eyes, as if I haven’t slept at all. I feel refreshed enough and know I will not be able to fall asleep again. It will take at least another two hours for the sun to come up. The bed is warm and cozy, but I wouldn’t be able to stay still, and I do not want to wake up Astrid this early, so I must leave the bed.

The last have been odd. Ever since Astrid came home, I felt as if things that were quite ordinary are now odd and feel out of place. I look at my favorite coffee mug, and it feels like I have never seen it before in my life. Jamais vu.

It’s like that with everything.

I have walked over to the kitchen and picked up yesterday’s newspaper to kill some time while I drink my coffee. I need to occupy myself, or my mind starts wandering all around places that are not nice. I think I will start with breakfast early today, it’s the least I can do right now for Astrid.

Most of the newspaper is still littered with speculations about the incident. I shouldn’t let her read it. People are calling her a coward, a fraud, and the conspiration theorists are speculating if she is not an alien pretending to be Astrid Olsen. As if survivor’s guilt wasn’t bad enough on its own.

They do not appreciate the gift of life, clearly. Or maybe they have nothing better to do. Hmm…

I take out my phone and start scrolling through memes. It’s the same stuff all the time.

As I reach to favorite a meme on this godforsaken app, a notification of a message pops and I accidentally open it. It’s one of my friends back from high school.

David

uh

beers today?

René it’s 5:54AM

how are you awake?

binging Naruto :lulw:

:blink: don’t you have work retard? :D

nope, got fired again B))

… okay, ill let you know with the beers

depends on how wifey’s doing

kk :thumbs_up: B)

Unlike René, I hold stable employment. When Astrid returned, I took out all my vacation days I had for the year.

I am nothing as aweinspiring as an astronaut, just a regular guy with a regular job.

I don’t know how to describe it. Feels like a there is some sort of a block in me.

…

I guess…

Hmm…

I am a bit of an impostor. I feel like all I have is a facade.

I have no enemies and I have no true deep friends who would support me through thick and thin either.

Never have I been more or less than average. I have not been a bully or been bullied. I am nowhere near as smart as Astrid, nor do I have the scientific inclinations. I have never had any major successes or major failures. Never suffered any major trauma or misfortune. My parents were normal and caring people, who didn’t abuse me or stampede my ambitions. I never had any ambitions.

I have lived most of my life as if I was just a person absentmindedly sipping tea.

People say that I sound smart, but I am not, I am a fabrication. David Leclerc is nothing more than a mosaic of stolen quotes, knowledge and opinions of others packed into roughly the shape of a man. I stole that too.

When I first met Astrid many years ago, while we were still teenagers, I had to pretend everything, just so that she would be the least bit interested in me. I was not a functional person at that time by any stretch of the imagination, I was the epitome of the quote “fake it, till you make it”. I would play and pretend that I am good and experienced and doing normal daily life things that I was clearly not, I would hint at some hidden mystery to me that there was none to be found, and I would work day and night to make sure that I would match up to the image I was trying to project as quickly as possible.

In the end, I think it was more of a case of something as old as time - I was an introvert adopted by an extrovert, simple as. She probably knew I wasn’t all that I was cracked up to be.

And so I am happy with her, it is the best time of my life, and I am aware of that every second that I spend with this woman. There is nothing more valuable, nothing I would exchange it for. I am just not sure if I can be who she needs during these difficult times. I am an impostor, a fraud - am I someone to lean on?

Love is the most difficult to put into words. One wants to say far too many things, and when he says many, it is to a detriment, and so we must only say few and hide the rest. And yet, do we not all expect and pine for all the unspoken love there is for one another? Is it speaking it that ruins the magic?

If I say a thousand times in thousand ways that I love you, does it take away from the feeling? Perhaps we want the silence, and the mystery, we want to love the unknown and private person, so that we can fill up the gaps with our fantasies and hope for the most boundless unspoken love which we put only to ourselves in the words that sound the most sweet to us - the words that our own, vain and egosticial mind makes up for itself.

But I digress, and I shouldn’t suspect. Shouldn’t quote either. On gagne, on perd.

This is what happens when I let my mind stray off course, quite stupid of me.

I leave thinking to the philosophers and go and clean my teeth and do the rest of my hygiene, so I can feel like a productive man again.

Next I boot up my computer, and watch a couple YouTube videos. I have picked up a new hobby of watching cooking videos. I personally enjoy some of the older chefs, like Gordon Ramsay or Guy Fieri. I am not a bad cook by any stretch of the imagination, and in this household, cooking has always been a coop venture between me and the wifey, but I just enjoy the art and would like to get better at it.

Personally, I think that cooking is a skill that has a low entry bar, but a very high skill cap. What I mean is that you can cook a meal that is edible quite easily, I have yet to see someone trully fuckup a pasta dish, but also there is always a more elaborate dish, a more technical approach, or… I don’t know… a better way to crack eggs!

It’s an adventure, and boy do I love adventures. That bit with pasta inspired me.

There is always a new way to crack an egg… and also a new way to cook spaghetti. Today, I will be making Spaghetti all’Assassina for lunch. I hope no Italian will laugh at the prospect of a Frenchman cooking speghetti, but then again, if they do, I will just start putting pineapple on pizza again.

In this recipe, the secret to cooking the Spaghetti is that you don’t really. You make your broth in a pot, then you throw it into a pan and then you put in the raw uncooked spaghetti and play with it until the spaghetti cooks in the broth. You continually keep adding the tomato broth so it doesn’t burn.

The result is a quite unique and interesting dish, and it is certainly one way to cook pasta you have probably never tried before.

Well, I think it is time to read a book and hibernate at some video game for a bit before I go back to the kitchen and start with the breakfast.

Chapter 4

The ISS Orpheus is still in orbit. Derelict and dark, with a hole through its hull. The hole is about a meter in radius, being just big enough to impact two floors of the Orpheus at once, which severely crippled the spacecraft. Some crew was dead almost instantly - they were close to the explosion and were sucked out into the open space without a spacesuit.

While the Orpheus is completely quiet and seems almost still in its stable orbit, one might think it is like a silent God watching down to Earth.

On Earth, however, there is no such thing as silence in the ground control. The team has been trying for 19 days straight to access the remote systems, reboot the ISS Orpheus and make it accept commands from groundcontrol that would make matters easier.

They have to get rid of all of the samples onboard. The bodies of the astronauts will not be returning to their families.

There is a man in ground control called Ernesto Gutenberg. At this very moment, Ernesto Gutenberg is thinking about a possible mission to Orpheus. If it will not be possible to trigger the self-sterilization procedure of the ship remotely, he will need to send a team there to trigger it manually. The samples cannot be brought down to Earth.

But there is a worse scenario yet - the space agency might have to destroy the ISS Orpheus, if it turns out that triggering the self-sterilization is impossible. This would prove very costly, as there is only a handful of starships like the Orpheus in operation at the moment.

As Ernesto sits in the control room, Orpheus comes on screen. The ship is finally well visible with the control room’s own observation telescope. It is sunlit, and from this distance, one couldn’t even tell that there is something wrong with the ship.

A gaunt man appears behind the chair Ernesto is sitting on. He’s from the government.

“Greetings,” starts the man.

“Hello, hello. They told me they would send someone,” replied Ernesto in a tired but noncombative tone.

“I will be taking over some aspects of the investigation. For starters, I believe you’ve made a mistake letting her go. There is not enough evidence to suggest she is safe.”

“We did all the physical tests and medical examinations, we discovered nothing wrong with her, she’s human. A bit shaken up, but in as much shape as she was when they left. The blood tests showed no abnormalities.”

“You know the nature of the organism. We cannot be certain. I will have her brought for more questioning and decide next steps.”

“Is it neccessary?”

“Yes.”

“Then as you wish, I can’t stop you anyways.”

“Correct.”

The gaunt man leaves.

Ernesto will never like these types. He shifts is square glasses on his face and continues focusing on the screens in the observation rooms.

Chapter 5

[Captain’s Log - {{DATE REDCATED}}.3]

Captain Yael Cohen: “Captain’s log, {{DATE REDACTED}}.3. The starship ISS Orpheus has reached the outer reaches of our solar system, specifically the mysterious ninth planet situated in the Oort Cloud. We have initiated our approach and are now assuming a low orbit around the enigmatic celestial body.

The journey to this point has been one of anticipation and curiosity. Eurydice, shrouded in cosmic secrets, beckons us to unlock the mysteries hidden within its surface. As we venture deeper into the Oort Cloud, the very edge of our known system, the vastness of space and the beauty of the cosmos remind us of the importance of our mission.

Upon reaching our current position, our science officers have begun configuring the sensor arrays to commence surface scanning. The hope is that we might uncover new insights into the planet’s geological composition, atmospheric conditions, and any potential signs of life.

As we begin this scientific endeavor, we do so with reverence and respect for the history of exploration that has brought us here. The Orpheus, representing the pinnacle of human achievement, stands as a testament to our insatiable thirst for knowledge and understanding.

In the coming days, we shall proceed with meticulous care, gathering data, and analyzing the findings. The challenges presented by the Oort Cloud’s extreme distances and unique gravitational forces demand our utmost attention and precision.

The entire crew is eager to embark on this voyage of discovery, and I am confident in their expertise and dedication to the success of our mission. Together, we shall venture into the unknown, striving to add to the collective knowledge of the universe.

Captain Yael Cohen, out.”

[End of Captain’s Log]

[Captain’s Log - {{DATE REDACTED}}.9]

Captain Yael Cohen: “Captain’s log, {{DATE REDACTED}}.9. An intriguing discovery awaits us on the enigmatic ninth planet in the Oort Cloud. Our away teams have conducted thorough scans and exploration of the frozen landscape, and we have made a remarkable find.

Frozen remnants of what appears to be ancient flora have been uncovered, scattered across the ice-covered terrain. However, thus far, no evidence of fauna has been observed. It seems that life on this planet has evolved uniquely, adopting a survival strategy that has left its mark on the entire ecosystem.

The peculiar aspect of this discovery lies in the evolution of life to utilize carbon and turn entirely black in color. The speculation among our science officers is that this adaptation was likely to maximize heat absorption from the distant Sun as the planet gradually drifted away from it over millennia.

The planet’s atmosphere, once rich enough to support various forms of life, eventually started to reach temperatures low enough for it to liquify and then freeze, blanketing the surface in ice. The frozen atmosphere filled up caves and valleys, encapsulating much of the planet’s previous ecosystem.

We estimate that less than half of the original landmass remains uncovered by the frozen atmosphere, leaving us eager to explore what lies beneath this icy veil. Our science teams continue their diligent research, analyzing the flora remnants in search of any vital clues that might reveal the history of this extraordinary world. Several landing sites have been selected into a shortlist so far, and once we come to a suitable first candidate, an away team will be dispatched to collect samples from the surface. These will be taken back into Earth’s orbit for analysis before being brought down back to the surface.

The mysteries that surround this planet have captivated the imagination of the entire crew, and we remain committed to unveiling its secrets responsibly and with the utmost respect for its delicate ecological balance, should we find any life that has managed to adapt to these extreme conditions.

As we proceed, I am reminded of the importance of our mission as explorers, extending the reach of humanity’s understanding into the far reaches of the cosmos. We shall continue our efforts, driven by the pursuit of knowledge and the desire to contribute to the collective understanding of life’s vast diversity in the universe.

Captain Yael Cohen, out.”

[End of Captain’s Log]

[Captain’s Log - {{DATE REDACTED}}.3]

Captain Yael Cohen: “Captain’s log, {{DATE REDACTED}}.3. Our exploratory efforts on the planet Eurydice have taken an exciting turn. An away team, composed of our skilled scientists and specialists, has been dispatched to investigate what we believe to have been the equivalent of a forest in this planet’s distant past.

The away team, equipped with a shuttle, has embarked on a mission to gather and seal samples from this intriguing landscape. These samples will be stored aboard the ISS Orpheus until our return trip to Earth is underway. At that point, we will conduct a comprehensive analysis of the collected specimens in the controlled environment of our ship’s laboratories.

The untouched forest-like terrain presents us with a unique opportunity to learn more about the planet’s history and the fascinating evolutionary processes that led to the formation of its distinctive flora. Our team’s diligent efforts will undoubtedly shed light on the mysteries that have intrigued us since our arrival in this distant corner of the Oort Cloud.

Captain Yael Cohen, out.”

[Addendum]

Captain Yael Cohen: “Addendum to Captain’s log, {{DATE REDACTED}}.3. I am pleased to report that the away team’s mission to collect samples from the ancient forest on Eurydice has been a resounding success. Our team of scientists and researchers managed to gather a variety of plant specimens, each preserved in the icy embrace of this frozen world.

Furthermore, one of our astute scientists made an unexpected discovery. Alongside the plant samples, they came across a peculiar-looking rock. What caught their attention was not only its appearance but also its unexpectedly light weight relative to its size. Preliminary observations indicated that the rock did not seem hollow, prompting further interest.

As we continue to uncover the mysteries of Eurydice, this unexpected find adds another layer of intrigue to our ongoing exploration. We shall exercise caution in our analysis and study of this rock once we are en route to Earth, as its enigmatic nature warrants careful consideration.

Our journey of discovery on Eurydice remains a testament to the spirit of exploration that drives us as explorers and scientists. With every new finding, we deepen our understanding of the universe and our place within it.

Captain Yael Cohen, out.”

[End of Captain’s Log]

Chapter 6

I ate the breakfast David made for me, and I will be slowly heading out to an interview I have scheduled for today. It’s for a radio station located here in the city. He offered to drive me, but I think that taking in some fresh air could be nice, so I will head out now and walk to the broadcasting studio. If it would be necessary, I can take public transport or call David to pick me up for the way back home.

Makes for a good excuse not to wear heels or similar nonsense for the interview. Then again, it is a radio, so they should not care much how I look or what I wear. There is this pair of sneakers I bought before I left Earth, and they are finally starting to take nicely to the shape of my feet.

As I leave the apartment, I catch a glimpse of the unlit toilet.

We didn’t close the door properly.

It is staring at me like a scarecrow.

There are people outside. It is a fairly cold day, but it is sunny and not too windy. These days make the boundary between winter and spring.